So I have always been an odd skinned girl. From since I can remember the only time I have ever needed to go to the Doctors or Hospital is because of some odd rash, some weird reaction to "something"
When I was 14 I had a plant rash (we assumed could be poison oak but likely wasnt) that I wrapped with bandaids and medical tape....Yeah I found out I was allergic to the tape the hard way. It caused a contact rash worse than the original. >.<
When I was 16 I went roller skating and got a HUGE blood blister on my foot. I covered the blister (in fear of it popping and getting infected) with a bandaid so I could go to school. The adhesive in the "specialty ordered" bandaid caused huge blisters on my toes that prevented me from wearing any shoes at all for over a week and caused me to miss school.
When I was 18 I rescued a medicated dog that had ran off into the forest and by carrying him back to the car I contacted Poison Oak/Ivy on my forearms. THIS put me in the hospital. The doctors took photos for their medical portfolios as they had never seen a case so bad. I was a lab rat.....It took over a month for it to go away. I was miserable and had to peal bandages off my popped blisters every morning after sleep.
Ive had makeup reactions that have caused my eyes to swell up, caused my eye lashes/brow hair to fall out from swelling....I've had unidentifiable rashes that have caused me an alarming amount of annoyance all my life.
I am in fact, allergic to MOST plant oils in direct contact with my skin.....but I love nature.
True Fact: After my last bout of poison oak it is on my top 10 list of fears.
However when a photographer asks me to lay down and play dead in the beautiful forest foliage I don't hesitate at all. Why?
Why am I so stubborn and pig headed when I by every way SHOULD know better?
Is it because I dont like to admit that Im naturally weak to anything? That I truly deep down belive that if I convince myself I can get through anything? That deep down at my being I feel flawed and that daily I try to deny that feeling, and jump at any public opportunity to prove otherwise?
Is it because I always want to be the best or the coolest or something like that? This last shoot was with one other model and she only had one look "standing, looking pretty/sexy" thats not me. I wanted to be "extraordinary" I wanted to be that tomboy without fear and who went for the strange but beautiful approach. So when asked to pose in the bushes I jumped at the opportunity to do ANYTHING opposite of the "hot girl"
I feel most me when Im strange, I feel at home when people think im weird or odd or a nerd. I hate being "normal"
When a photographer puts glue (yet another adhesive) on my face to apply reinstones I get a "oh man, should you really do that with your allergies?" red flag. But I ignore it. I always think "well maybe this time will be different, maybe Ive grown out of my allergies? How will I know unless I do it?"
Same with this last shoot. I did think of poison oak, I did think of other plants, Hell, there were freaking black berry bushes I was full our lying on. I don't care about scratches, I don't care about shallow cuts, that's part of the forest, it happens....but the oils. I knew better. But Even knowing better I still thought "psh, there probably isnt poison oak, why life my life and every constant moment in fear?" "I love the forest, maybe I wont have a reaction, maybe the forest loves me?"
I dont get paid to do this in anything but creative photos and experience. Ive gotten a lot of experience the past year.....and a couple of hospital visits.
I have been bit by a snake
I have had to go to Urgent Care because my eye swelled up due to makeup glue
I have had to go to Urgent Care because of Poison Oak
and still.....I don't regret any of it.
Maybe I should start accepting Im not super woman, and start believing that I am in fact fragile. No amount of courrage, no ammount of tomboyishness, no positive attitude, no competiveness, no anything will change the fact that MY SKIN SUCKS. I hate it. I hate admitting that something so stupid and small is such a huge weakness to me. No one is a bad ass when they have oozing puss bubbles on their arm, they are gross.
Im gross. Looking at my reactions I get anxiety attacks. I realize just how stupid I am to let myself look like a monster, and for what? Pride?
Often, I really am a stupid girl.
