Flawed Pride

So I have always been an odd skinned girl. From since I can remember the only time I have ever needed to go to the Doctors or Hospital is because of some odd rash, some weird reaction to "something"

When I was 14 I had a plant rash (we assumed could be poison oak but likely wasnt) that I wrapped with bandaids and medical tape....Yeah I found out I was allergic to the tape the hard way. It caused a contact rash worse than the original. >.<

When I was 16 I went roller skating and got a HUGE blood blister on my foot. I covered the blister (in fear of it popping and getting infected) with a bandaid so I could go to school. The adhesive in the "specialty ordered" bandaid caused huge blisters on my toes that prevented me from wearing any shoes at all for over a week and caused me to miss school.

When I was 18 I rescued a medicated dog that had ran off into the forest and by carrying him back to the car I contacted Poison Oak/Ivy on my forearms. THIS put me in the hospital. The doctors took photos for their medical portfolios as they had never seen a case so bad. I was a lab rat.....It took over a month for it to go away. I was miserable and had to peal bandages off my popped blisters every morning after sleep.

Ive had makeup reactions that have caused my eyes to swell up, caused my eye lashes/brow hair to fall out from swelling....I've had unidentifiable rashes that have caused me an alarming amount of annoyance all my life.

I am in fact, allergic to MOST plant oils in direct contact with my skin.....but I love nature.

True Fact: After my last bout of poison oak it is on my top 10 list of fears.

However when a photographer asks me to lay down and play dead in the beautiful forest foliage I don't hesitate at all. Why?

Why am I so stubborn and pig headed when I by every way SHOULD know better?

Is it because I dont like to admit that Im naturally weak to anything? That I truly deep down belive that if I convince myself I can get through anything? That deep down at my being I feel flawed and that daily I try to deny that feeling, and jump at any public opportunity to prove otherwise?

Is it because I always want to be the best or the coolest or something like that? This last shoot was with one other model and she only had one look "standing, looking pretty/sexy" thats not me. I wanted to be "extraordinary" I wanted to be that tomboy without fear and who went for the strange but beautiful approach. So when asked to pose in the bushes I jumped at the opportunity to do ANYTHING opposite of the "hot girl"

I feel most me when Im strange, I feel at home when people think im weird or odd or a nerd. I hate being "normal"

When a photographer puts glue (yet another adhesive) on my face to apply reinstones I get a "oh man, should you really do that with your allergies?" red flag. But I ignore it. I always think "well maybe this time will be different, maybe Ive grown out of my allergies? How will I know unless I do it?"

Same with this last shoot. I did think of poison oak, I did think of other plants, Hell, there were freaking black berry bushes I was full our lying on. I don't care about scratches, I don't care about shallow cuts, that's part of the forest, it happens....but the oils. I knew better. But Even knowing better I still thought "psh, there probably isnt poison oak, why life my life and every constant moment in fear?" "I love the forest, maybe I wont have a reaction, maybe the forest loves me?"

I dont get paid to do this in anything but creative photos and experience. Ive gotten a lot of experience the past year.....and a couple of hospital visits.

I have been bit by a snake
I have had to go to Urgent Care because my eye swelled up due to makeup glue
I have had to go to Urgent Care because of Poison Oak

and still.....I don't regret any of it.

Maybe I should start accepting Im not super woman, and start believing that I am in fact fragile. No amount of courrage, no ammount of tomboyishness, no positive attitude, no competiveness, no anything will change the fact that MY SKIN SUCKS. I hate it. I hate admitting that something so stupid and small is such a huge weakness to me. No one is a bad ass when they have oozing puss bubbles on their arm, they are gross.

Im gross. Looking at my reactions I get anxiety attacks. I realize just how stupid I am to let myself look like a monster, and for what? Pride?

Often, I really am a stupid girl.

Beauty and the Beast

So I took a little break from this but now I'm back. I have 3+ shoots lined up the next few weeks and I'm totally excited for the various themes I get to be part of. :)

I got my photos back from Serendipitous Studios and I must say they are "different" if nothing else. This shoot was the one that I had an allergic reaction after and in the photos you will see why. Stupid rhinestone glue. :P

However, It was a great day and I learned SO much from this shoot. Mostly that I have the hardest time avoiding "pretty" or not smiling in photos. I also learned that I hold my anger in my jaw which is horrible for photography as it can make me look like a man. Oops. Hahaha. However, I like the variety here and how it adds something VERY different to my portfolio. Personal opinions on each.

 So much makeup....but fun

 Im not a very convincing badass....*sigh*

 This one just makes me feel like Im dead. Its Ghostly and circus-esque

Gotta say...I love this image. Its just wild and fun, maybe not the most beautiful, but totally fun.

 A bit more on the glam side....Future note, I need to wear this corset more...my boobs look huge! Hahaha

For David

So sometimes a photographer will offer nothing in the way of themes and ask "well, do you have any ideas?" those photographers often annoy me as I like collaborating and coming up with ideas WITH them, not carrying the whole shoot and letting them just shoot me. I want to know I'm working with an artist who cares about what his photos say, not just someone who owns a nice camera and wants to take photos of girls with it. This hasn't happened to me often, as I normally end conversation with them when I realize they have nothing truly to ofter aside from a fancy camera.

Other times, like when I worked with Bruce Hart of Crendo Photography in Salem, we do a trade. Bruce and his wife focus on things like Senior Portraits, Infant, and Boudoir photography and they had just gotten a new studio. They needed more Boudoir shots desperately for their website and portfolio so they can justify their cost to customers and thus were asking for models to test with them.  I agreed to test for them and told them I would like to do something fun and silly in return. Something, inspired by my husband.

So David was a kandi kid. A raver of the 90s with all the bright colored pony beads and the crazy colors. I wanted to do a shoot for him that he would find adorable. So we went BRIGHT and fun. I can never change the fact that I wasn't a true kandi kid, but I can always play dress up for my husband. haha

Out of a scary movie....

So, I have worked with many different types of photographers. Some work alone, both guys and girls, and some work in teams with their significant others or another assistant. My first shoot with a male photographer was intimating to say the least. Especially when the theme is "dark/goth/fetish."
 
I had Jenn tag along for this shoot as well and I am truly thankful I did. I met with Benjamen of Cspine Photography at his brand new stuido. He had warned me ahead of time that the house "looked condemned" but not to worry as it would only add to the shoot. When I showed up, I felt like I was walking into a bad horror movie. The house was seriously condemned. There was fallen trees, piles of wood/debris/trash all around the house and it was just all around spooky. Had Jenn not been with me, I would have turned around and went home at the sight of that house. Guy photographer (whom I hadn't met prior to the shoot), Goth/Fetish theme, Creepy ass house....nope. I think not.

But Jenn WAS there and we went into the creepy house. Now, to add to the creepiness we had already felt, Benjamen is wheelchair bound and has some personal obstacles that contributed to the creepy meter more than helping to dispel our anxiety. That being said, after we all talked a bit our uncomfortableness was put to rest and he is a great guy and talented photographer. Since this shoot, he has remodeled his house/studio and its far less creepy from what I understand. haha.

 So the above 3 images were totally unplanned and awesome. Photographer had some costume pieces and asked if I wanted to shoot in any of them and after making a joke about the cheer leading costume we decided to do that. Once the uniform was on we decided to add the gas mask and the rusty hay hook from his collection of props. I scared Jenn by my breathing through the mask. The first shot was captured by me flailing my pigtails around for about 5 min. Talk about head rush, its surprisingly hard to breath in a gas mask! Very different, very fun concept.

Future knowledge....

Guess what? I'm allergic to Spirit Gum adhesive. (not to surprising as I'm allergic to most adhesive substances). I had a shoot last Sat with Serendipitous Studios and the wonderful makeup artist used the stuff to put rhinstones under my right eye. The whole thing looked amazing and the shoot was fantastic....but the next day my eye started to swell. Today, 2 days later its worse. Tomorrow I'm going to urgent care for some meds that will kick this things butt. In the past my allergic reactions have gone out of control and started forming blisters....I simply wont have that for my face....so to the Dr's I go. :(

 My face does not have symmetry! haha

Pimps and Hoes

Last night I helped throw my friend Michael a surprise party. He always talks about how he 'gets forgotten' every year so a few of his friends and I decided to end that this year. Michael has owned a purple velvet suit for YEARS and we refer to it as the pimp suit, he even has a cane he sports with it. So we felt it fitting to throw a costume "Pimps and Hoes" surprise birthday party. Here's some of the crazyness I helped make happen.

 Yes, I did in fact apply zebra print to Davids collar and shirt cuffs. So tacky, so perfect!

 

Purple chocolate cake, on a zebra rug with fake money, rubies, diamonds and a hand cut blingy $ sign. One of the coolest cakes Ive ever made/styled.

 My handsome Pimp Hubby and me, We decided I was a stripper and my stripper name was Violent Violet. (note my face is all red due to makeup reaction from earlier in the day *rolls eyes*)

Contrast

Interesting Photography Moment. 

I truly love the Photography contrast among these 3 images. All three were wearing the same wardrobe but all shot differently with different filters/styles. Photo one shows the colors the way they were on my clothing. Black and Red but the Barn was definitely not blue.

 Top Photos by Luke Olsen, Bottom Photo by Jeff Mawer